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Jun. 29th, 2011

grammar

(no subject)

This cave isn't really scary. It's a beautiful place. There are shimmering underground pools, rooms full of crystals that look like something out of a fairy tale, and rugged rock faces carved out by the earth herself over millions of years. I shouldn't be so afraid of it. The problem is that sometimes in these twisting tunnels it's hard to keep track of which way is up. I'll start toward the light, only to realise when I reach it that it's just the lantern I left down here last time.

I'll just turn back and go the other way. Some of these pathways are tight, and there are caves I don't like to walk through alone, but I always find an exit.

Then the light goes out.

That's when I remember that there are monsters down here. Not wildlife, not animals. I can't call them that. That would be natural. Someone put these things here. Someone spliced together things that were never meant to exist and seeded a quiet cavern with the wretched, writhing spawn of their depravity. They slither silently through the dripping blackness and before I know what's happening, they're winding their way up my legs, tangling in my hair, probing at my mouth, eyes and ears with barbed tentacles. I can't see. Every breath fills my lungs with the slime that drips off the abominations that are trying to devour me.

Sometimes I'm lucky-I pull them off my face, wipe away their toxic secretions, and with one good burst of speed I find way out into the sunlight. Other times they dig in barbs and claws, they burrow under my flesh, and I have to stay and fight. It might be days before I can wrestle them off of me and cleanse my raw, suppurating flesh well enough to crawl down a tunnel looking for a flicker of light, searching for a soft breeze that might mean a door to the outside.

These creatures don't belong here, in my cave. That's why I keep coming back-I have to get rid of them, to mark these tunnels with reflective tape and put up guardrails around the biggest, most dangerous pits. This place is beautiful, and I want to make it safe. So I keep coming back. I tie myself off to something sturdy and bring the biggest lights I can carry. Most of the time I come out safe and sound, with one more rock face made safe to climb. But sometimes I lose my footing. Sometimes one of those things chews through my tether and sends me plummetting into a pit where the walls are sheer and slick.

Some people think it's only a matter of time before I get so lost that someone will have to come rescue me. No one wants to be the one to strap on climbing gear and a helmet lamp and come crawling through these crevices, afraid that around the next turn they might find my lifeless remains. I can't guarantee that will never happen, but I honestly don't think it will. I'm just asking you to trust my sense of direction, trust that I'll always find my own way out, trust that I am strong enough to destroy the monstrosities that have taken up residence down there. And when I've put up my trail markers and dredged the corpses of those hideous beasts out of all the beautiful water, maybe you can come swimming with me.

Jun. 18th, 2011

grammar

Today in "Things That Are Awesome"

Folding down your collar. DIY repairs. Straw wrappers. Tiny pieces of something huge.

May. 5th, 2011

grammar

(no subject)

I'm surprised by how great it feels to have no desire to write bad poetry about you. Everything I want to say, I can just say. You're going to be very bad for this LiveJournal.

Mar. 24th, 2011

grammar

Today...

Today sucks, you have no idea. I was depressed all day for various reasons, mostly because I have Lots of Feelings, but all my reasons sound SO STUPID when I actually think about them. So I pretty much just slept all day, because UGH. Now I'm wide awake and still have too many Feelings and ARGH. I'm gonna go eat in the tub. That seems productive.

Mar. 22nd, 2011

grammar

Um. Wow.

A prompt in staringout : Write about what's missing.

I will come back to this, since right now I need to have a shower and try to unclog my lungs. Just wanted to put a reminder to myself on here.
grammar

I will write something, dammit.

I could just start typing and hope that eventually something halfway fucking intelligible comes out. I've tried writing prompts, I've looked through old work and half-finished projects, and it's just not coming.

That's not entirely true. I have things on my mind that I'm sure I could turn into brilliant pieces. The problem is that what I'm thinking about is really not what I want to be thinking about. It's stupid, juvenile, and unproductive. Possibly even self-destructive. I guess that's where writing comes from sometimes, the things that you don't want to admit to yourself you think or feel. Still, I worry that indulging that part of my brain will just focus it more fully, and I won't be able to stop thinking those things.

Which brings me to the question of why I want to censor myself. And really, the only reason I haven't written what's rattling around in my head is because I don't want other people to read it. Or rather, I don't want certain other people to read it. Not so much because I'm ashamed of it at all, but because it would upset or hurt them to see that I'm thinking about what I am. And that would be awful.

I hate my brain tonight.

Mar. 20th, 2011

grammar

(no subject)

Boys that taste like whiskey and soap
Calloused fingertips and perfectly careless hair
Cultivated abandon
Pretty sure the real thing would
Fuck them right up

Mar. 14th, 2011

grammar

Finally...

I'm here to actually finish this thing. Look at me go.

Day 1 - Pride. Seven great things about yourself.
Day 2 - Envy. Seven things you lack and covet.
Day 3 - Wrath. Seven things that piss you off.
Day 4 - Sloth. Seven things you neglect to do.
Day 5- Greed. Seven worldly material desires.
Day 6 - Gluttony. Seven guilty pleasures.
Day 7 - Lust. Seven love/lust secrets.

Here's the issue. For me, "love/lust secrets" are secrets for a reason. If talking about it won't harm anyone, I generally talk about it fairly openly. So it's hard to think of seven secrets to put here. I'll just go with "things everyone may or may not know about me."

1. I identify as pansexual. Basically, that means that I could be attracted to someone of any sex or gender. What it boils down to in practical terms for me is that I'm attracted to people, not genders or orientations.

2. I have spent significant portions of my adult life acting in some fashion as the "other woman." It's not something I'm proud of, and I certainly don't actively seek out these types of entanglements. It's just something that has happened several times, whether in the context of casual flings or more "serious," emotionally involved relationships. Don't get all paranoid here. I'm not after your partner. I don't get involved with the partners of people I know. It's typically been the case that I get involved with someone and find out after the fact, or several weeks/months in, that they're in committed, ostensibly monogamous partnerships. A couple of times, I have been aware that the other person was in a relationship and gone ahead with the affair anyway. Morally reprehensible? Possibly. I can think of worse things, though. The fact is, even when I've been cheated on (which happened before I was ever cheated with, incidentally) I have been of the opinion that you can never blame the person outside of the relationship. (Barring them being a friend or relative or something. That's not cool. But see, I don't sleep with the partners of friends/relatives.) It's the cheating partner that is to blame.

3. Monogamy is difficult for me. I do it, but not easily or comfortably.

4. I don't "count" my sexual partners. I wrote a blog post about this some time ago, touching on how the concept of a "number" is intimately linked with slut-shaming, sex-negative attitudes.

5. The first time I voluntarily had PIV intercourse was to spite a boy who had broken my heart. After ending a 7 month long relationship, during which we had talked extensively about when we'd both be ready for sex, I had spur-of-the-moment sex with a male friend I knew my ex wasn't getting on with.

6. I went through a brief phase where I had sex to get attention and approval, rather than for my own pleasure. I don't talk about that often, not because I'm ashamed (there were reasons for what I did and where I was, and it was just something I had to deal with on my own terms) but because I don't want to listen to bullshit about "typical behaviour of abuse survivors" or have people assume that just because I'm still very sexually open, my motivations are the same.

7. I had been having partnered sex for just over three years before I had an orgasm with a partner. I am aware that some people, especially women, will go considerably longer, but since I had been having orgasms alone for some time before that I was incredibly frustrated by the lack of them during partnered sexytimes.

Mar. 6th, 2011

grammar

Here, Have Another.

Day 1 - Pride. Seven great things about yourself.
Day 2 - Envy. Seven things you lack and covet.
Day 3 - Wrath. Seven things that piss you off.
Day 4 - Sloth. Seven things you neglect to do.
Day 5- Greed. Seven worldly material desires.
Day 6 - Gluttony. Seven guilty pleasures.
Day 7 - Lust. Seven love/lust secrets.

This one is soooo problematic. I don't feel guilty for experiencing pleasure. Sure, I have had too much to eat or drink and made myself ill. Overdoing anything can be bad for you. But really, the only things I enjoy that I'm kind of embarrassed/"guilty" over don't really fit with "gluttony." (Bad music, movies, what have you.) So...

#s 1-7: Nothing. I have pleasures and I have guilt, but they are not the same things.
grammar

I'm back...

After a couple of days of "BLARGH typing is too much work I just wanna sit here like a lump" I'm here to catch up on some meme-age.  Yay! So, here's greed. All of these should be pretty self-explanatory.

Day 1 - Pride. Seven great things about yourself.
Day 2 - Envy. Seven things you lack and covet.
Day 3 - Wrath. Seven things that piss you off.
Day 4 - Sloth. Seven things you neglect to do.
Day 5- Greed. Seven worldly material desires.
Day 6 - Gluttony. Seven guilty pleasures.
Day 7 - Lust. Seven love/lust secrets.

1. A new computer. Preferably a laptop, maybe even a Macbook? My desktop is older than my kid, and it's kind of sad.

2. A good camera. I want a DSLR.

3. A sewing machine.

4. These.

5. Enough sturdy shelves to actually hold all of my books.

6. A cushy new mattress.

7. More ridiculous and wonderful hats.

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